One attitude that gets in the way of good communication is the need to solve problems . I often tell troubled couples that they must refuse to solve the problems in their relationship if they hope to experience greater love and closeness. This may sound like a paradox but it’s really not. If two people are upset with each other and are arguing about some ”problems ,” they wiil usually go round and round in circles when they are trying to solve it.

This bickering will continue as long as they feel angry with each other . Their feelings need to be expressed in a nondefensive way – and listened to. But if their anger isn’t share openly – and it almost never is – all their attempts to solve the problem will fail. As long as they feel angry and at odds , they will need to get back at each other. This makes it impossible to solve the problem. In contrast , if they share feelings and listen in a spirit of trust, and feel cared about and respected once again, they will find it far easier to solve the problem that bother them.


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